I guess there's not really much to update, except that things are going really well. Still love my job (and all the craziness that goes with it!), and I can't wait to see how insane it gets during the summer. And I'm actually kind of psyched, 'cause I spent last summer with a totally ridiculous schedule, in a totally ridiculous uniform, only getting to see my husband & spend time with him maybe a couple times a week. Which was totally ridiculous. I'm anxious to have another crazy busy summer, but still get to come home & have dinner with my hubby each night. Oh, and not wear those awful Hyatt pants anymore. Those high-waisted, too-short, pleated, unflattering poop-brown pants. I've heard they've changed the uniform since I left, and that sounds about right. I mean, why choose more comfortable clothes while I'm there? That makes absolutely no sense. Of course they changed it after I left. But oh well. I get to wear my own clothes this summer so I'm really okay with that. :)
Oh, and I guess I'll mention my decision. My huge decision. Probably only to me, but still! I've decided that I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon. I know, right! It's huge. And it's kind of terrifying. But, after over 5 years of trying to have a baby, and miscarrying my twin boys last year, I think God has finally brought me to a place of acceptance. This might not happen for us. And if it does, I have no idea when. I've been fighting these Hands that have been holding me all these years, lashing out at God when I didn't understand what was going on, absolutely indignant that He hasn't given me what I wanted. Like I deserve it, right? Wrong! I don't. Nobody does. We all deserve death, but God gives us grace, if only we'll accept it. And while I've been waiting first to get pregnant, and then for God to redeem our loss, I've learned that He might not redeem the loss of our babies on this side of Heaven. And I'm finally at a point where that's okay. I really, really feel like He's calling me to just let it go for now. To stop planning my life around having kids. And I've decided that I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon. If that's His plan, then it's my plan too. Subject to change per His will, of course. :)
It's actually a really surreal decision, because on one hand, I feel so much peace & like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But on the other hand, there's so much panic & lashing out irrationally going on in my head. Like, how can I just let this go? This dream of motherhood that I've wanted ever since I can remember, this journey through infertility we've been on since we got married, the loss of my only babies, the hope for more - how can I just let something like that go? And God has called me to do this at a really strange time I think, because almost literally EVERYONE I KNOW IS PREGNANT. All I see every time I turn around are facebook pregnancy announcements. It's like this huge baby boom and everyone is talking about how it's "in the water".. really? Give me some of that water. No, seriously. Bottle up whatever you're drinking & fedex it to my house. Oh, it's not really a water thing? Hmm, imagine that. :) But yes, I've seen so many pregnancy announcements recently that I've lost track. I've been feeling completely overwhelmed, wondering when my turn will come. Wondering what everyone has done right that I've done so incredibly wrong. It's been rough. So that's why when I felt God calling me to make this decision, I was actually excited about it, but then like.. really? NOW? Can I do this when all I see in my newsfeed are ultrasound photos & pregnant bellies? I've thought about deactivating my facebook. But then I laugh & realize that I wouldn't do that, and get serious. I know it'll be challenging, but I know without a shadow of a doubt in my heart that God is strong enough. I am not, but He is.
So, I'm not going to have a baby anytime soon. I am going to make decisions not based around having children, but based around life as I know it. I'm going to make some calls that could turn really inconvenient should we ever have a baby, and that's okay. And some days, I'm going to be emotional & cry about it. And that's okay, I get to do that, 'cause I'm a woman. But right now, the peace I feel rules out the fear, and that's how I know it's from God.
Okay, enough rambling from me! I'm about to go enjoy the huge storm that's about to roll through any time now. I love thunderstorms so much. Nothing beats snuggling up at home, listening to the thunder & rain. And nothing beats a cloudy day at work, like today. I know, there might be something wrong with me, but I prefer dreary clouds to warm sunshine any day. Which is just shocking & ironic 'cause I'm a sweet ray of sunshine. I'm a freaking delight!
