It gon rain.

Okay so I've been a little flaky. I feel bad for patting myself on the back for not being flaky, and then waiting until months later to post another blog. I mean, I'm sure nobody has been on the edge of their seat waiting for my next blurb of excellence, but still.

I guess there's not really much to update, except that things are going really well. Still love my job (and all the craziness that goes with it!), and I can't wait to see how insane it gets during the summer. And I'm actually kind of psyched, 'cause I spent last summer with a totally ridiculous schedule, in a totally ridiculous uniform, only getting to see my husband & spend time with him maybe a couple times a week. Which was totally ridiculous. I'm anxious to have another crazy busy summer, but still get to come home & have dinner with my hubby each night. Oh, and not wear those awful Hyatt pants anymore. Those high-waisted, too-short, pleated, unflattering poop-brown pants. I've heard they've changed the uniform since I left, and that sounds about right. I mean, why choose more comfortable clothes while I'm there? That makes absolutely no sense. Of course they changed it after I left. But oh well. I get to wear my own clothes this summer so I'm really okay with that. :)

Oh, and I guess I'll mention my decision. My huge decision. Probably only to me, but still! I've decided that I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon. I know, right! It's huge. And it's kind of terrifying. But, after over 5 years of trying to have a baby, and miscarrying my twin boys last year, I think God has finally brought me to a place of acceptance. This might not happen for us. And if it does, I have no idea when. I've been fighting these Hands that have been holding me all these years, lashing out at God when I didn't understand what was going on, absolutely indignant that He hasn't given me what I wanted. Like I deserve it, right? Wrong! I don't. Nobody does. We all deserve death, but God gives us grace, if only we'll accept it. And while I've been waiting first to get pregnant, and then for God to redeem our loss, I've learned that He might not redeem the loss of our babies on this side of Heaven. And I'm finally at a point where that's okay. I really, really feel like He's calling me to just let it go for now. To stop planning my life around having kids. And I've decided that I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon. If that's His plan, then it's my plan too. Subject to change per His will, of course. :)

It's actually a really surreal decision, because on one hand, I feel so much peace & like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But on the other hand, there's so much panic & lashing out irrationally going on in my head. Like, how can I just let this go? This dream of motherhood that I've wanted ever since I can remember, this journey through infertility we've been on since we got married, the loss of my only babies, the hope for more - how can I just let something like that go? And God has called me to do this at a really strange time I think, because almost literally EVERYONE I KNOW IS PREGNANT. All I see every time I turn around are facebook pregnancy announcements. It's like this huge baby boom and everyone is talking about how it's "in the water".. really? Give me some of that water. No, seriously. Bottle up whatever you're drinking & fedex it to my house. Oh, it's not really a water thing? Hmm, imagine that. :) But yes, I've seen so many pregnancy announcements recently that I've lost track. I've been feeling completely overwhelmed, wondering when my turn will come. Wondering what everyone has done right that I've done so incredibly wrong. It's been rough. So that's why when I felt God calling me to make this decision, I was actually excited about it, but then like.. really? NOW? Can I do this when all I see in my newsfeed are ultrasound photos & pregnant bellies? I've thought about deactivating my facebook. But then I laugh & realize that I wouldn't do that, and get serious. I know it'll be challenging, but I know without a shadow of a doubt in my heart that God is strong enough. I am not, but He is.

So, I'm not going to have a baby anytime soon. I am going to make decisions not based around having children, but based around life as I know it. I'm going to make some calls that could turn really inconvenient should we ever have a baby, and that's okay. And some days, I'm going to be emotional & cry about it. And that's okay, I get to do that, 'cause I'm a woman. But right now, the peace I feel rules out the fear, and that's how I know it's from God.

Okay, enough rambling from me! I'm about to go enjoy the huge storm that's about to roll through any time now. I love thunderstorms so much. Nothing beats snuggling up at home, listening to the thunder & rain. And nothing beats a cloudy day at work, like today. I know, there might be something wrong with me, but I prefer dreary clouds to warm sunshine any day. Which is just shocking & ironic 'cause I'm a sweet ray of sunshine. I'm a freaking delight!

Why today is significant.

So today is a seemingly insignificant, regular day.

It's a Wednesday. It's been beautiful & productive.

But it's a day that I've been trying not to think about. Well, not really - it's a day that I think about often, but that I was desperately trying to not know the actual date. Today marks one year since we saw & heard not one, but two precious heartbeats. It's the day that we went in expecting to see just the one, but were amazed & knocked off our feet by our second baby. And I was trying so hard to not remember the date.

I have so many dates & times to be sad about. September made five years since we've been trying to have a baby. The first of this year made one year since we found out we were pregnant. February 2nd will make one entire year since the absolute worst day of my life. And February 7th will make one year since I had to say goodbye to my babies. So, with everything being so overwhelming right now, I so very much did not want to remember the actual date that we learned that I was carrying twins.

But one day on my lunch break at work, I was mindlessly flipping through my phone, and saw a 'note' called Important Dates. I opened it & saw everything, and there it was: January 23rd, 9:00am. Hands down, one of the greatest days of my life.

And, of course I knew we found out we were having twins in January. I honestly thought it was earlier in the month, and that this milestone had already passed us by. But no.. it was still coming. I was so mad at myself when I found it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to know when it was. But after I found it, I felt relieved. And now I'm actually beyond glad that I did.

One year ago today marks the one & only time Jason & I saw our children as healthy, growing babies. It's the only time we saw & heard their little hearts beating strong. Our next ultrasound would be a stark contrast. And as much as I didn't want to spend the actual day remembering all the details, I'm so thankful that I've been able to reflect today. I'm also thankful that work kept me busy, because when I'm busy, I'm not crying. And now that I'm home.. surprisingly, I'm okay. I miss them so much that it physically hurts. But there's just something about thinking back to the only time I saw them strong & thriving, and thinking ahead to when I'll hold them in my arms & never let them go in Heaven, that is inexplicably comforting.

And I know at this point I'm babbling & it's turning into a little bit of a rant, but please.. to all the sweet mothers I know, who are beyond blessed to have your children still here with you, don't take one single day for granted. I hear friends complain about their children all the time. I have no doubt that they love them & would die for them, but when I hear all these negative comments about such precious gifts - gifts that so many women would give their right arm for - it is really upsetting. And while I know that children are exhausting, frustrating, and the work never ends.. you are so blessed. When they're driving you crazy, when they won't stop fussing, when they get into everything, when they won't go to sleep at night, when they just want to be held all day.. please, don't forget how blessed you are. Hold them. You just have no idea how on your very worst mommy day, countless women would trade lives with you in a hot second. You are blessed beyond measure; treasure your babies.

When the seasonal latte cups go away..

So I really think my body is starting to reject this whole healthy eating thing.. I have a headache & I'm getting plenty of audible feedback from my stomach. It's a little more than necessary, tho. I had worked so hard to take all this weight off

(60 lbs, but who's counting), and in 2012, I gained back 15.

Insert shame, disgrace, & chocolate chip cookies here.

I'll start out with an "in my defense" moment. This has been a hard year. Between losing my babies, leaving my job of nearly 4 years, starting a new job that I'm actually blaming most of the weight on (too much cheap/free food, half price Starbucks drinks, and cookies dang near as big as my head.. I miss you Hyatt), then starting a new job when that seasonal position was over.. I've done more than my fair share of stress eating this past year. I hate that my jeans are all tighter & that some of my favorite cute tops just don't fit as cute as they did this time last year. So the past couple days I've gotten right back on the healthy train, and I'm really starting to feel some ill-effects from it. I'm not dieting too hard, but I think going from eating everything I wanted to only eating healthy, with the exception of the nonfat Starbucks latte (in a plain white cup instead of a seasonal red one.. I died a little inside) I had for breakfast this morning, is taking its toll. But I know that the first few days of this are the hardest, and after this it will get easier.. I'm just anxious for the easier part to get here. Oh, and the part where I don't look like a whale in my jeans anymore. Oh, and the part where the scale stops trying to pick a fight with me every morning like it's avenging its mother's honor.

But in other news, I'm glad to be back at work. I loved the four day weekend, but I do love my job, & I was happy to be sitting right back at my cozy little desk today. Well, cozy yet frigid.. I love the fact that it's always cold, but I hate the fact that I tried to dress cute today. Dress pants, flats & all. Tomorrow I'm not even going to bother; I'm basing my entire outfit around my boots. My warm, happy boots. And jeans. And it probably doesn't matter what top, since I never take my hoodie off anymore at work. But that's okay, it's a cute hoodie.

Oh and today marks one year since I announced my pregnancy to family & friends, and that's been hitting me a little hard.. thinking of what life should look like right now, compared to how it actually does. I hate the fact that while I should be home watching my babies grow up into little heathens like their father (love him :)), I'm missing them instead. I know that God has a bigger purpose than I'm seeing right now, and I love that my children are terrorizing the heavenly realms with the double whammy that a), they're Jason's sons, and b), they have his cousin Bonnie up there showing them how it's done, oh and c), my cousin Drew is probably not helping things. Which brings me to point d), my sweet grandmother is probably the ring leader. And my poor grand-dad, who is celebrating his one year Heaven anniversary today, is probably sitting in a corner with his hands over his ears right now trying to ignore them all. That visual always makes me smile, bless his heart. And while I wish that they were terrorizing me & Jason instead, it makes me happy knowing that someday they will. Until then I just miss them so darn much. Today's been a little weepy, and so was yesterday.. and some days the pain is still as raw as it was the day we lost them. But I'm so thankful to remember that God has way bigger plans for my life than I ever had for my own, and for my husband's & children's. It helps my grieving heart to know that when things seem so out of control, he's perfectly IN control.

And strangely, it helps me to talk about them. And for family & friends to talk about them. And for people to ask me questions about them. A lot of people don't because they don't want to upset me, and they're afraid it'll make me cry, but it really helps to know that other people still think of them. I still remember when I worked at the bookstore, one of the most comforting things I heard was from my boss (who is in Heaven now with my babies, which is point 'e' really to the points I made in the previous paragraph about my children raising mischief.. she was so much fun). Out of nowhere one day while we were talking about something unrelated, she sighed, smiled, looked up at the ceiling & goes "Oh, I still think about Peanut & Jellybean" and started coming up with crazy names for us to give our next children when we're pregnant again. She decided on Gumdrop & Pistachio, which I think will definitely stick the next time around. It really helped me to know that she still thought about my babies, and that she's with them right now. One of the sweetest things that blessed my heart so much was after she passed away, her daughter told me that her mom was in Heaven telling my babies all about me & Jason, and what wonderful people we are. I love the connection that we make as believers, and I really do hope that she's had time to tell them one or two things about us.. but I think most of her time has been spent at the feet of our Savior. And talking prophecy with all the saints that went before her, which was one of her very favorite subjects. :)

Okay, that's enough from me for now.. I'm about to go make a huge salad & pretend that it's something entirely different. Pizza, maybe.. or nachos. Yeah, I'm gonna go with nachos. The kind of nachos where I keep my chips & cheese separate until I'm ready to combine them in one glorious swoop & bite.. I hate soggy chips. That might just be referred to as chips & queso tho. I'd look into it if I wasn't dang near positive that I'd be putting my boots on & going to the store in a moment of weakness & passion to get velveeta. And chili. And while I'm at it I may as well get a flat of oreos to eat by myself. Okay I'm stopping now, it's salad time.

New blog, old year.

Okay, so it seems like everyone has a blog now, and I desperately want people to like me, so here goes nothin. :D

And I really have no idea where to start. I've been thinking a lot about how 2012 is coming to a close, and I'm really not sad to see it go. The entire year feels like it's been one big, bad dream. There have been some amazing parts, like surviving that whole mayan calendar thing. Overall, the entire year for me was marked with loss & grief, but also with amazing comfort.

So for those of you who don't know, here it is: Jason & I got married in June of 2007. He's my best friend & I love him more & more every day, and the more I learn about him (yes, still learning after 5 & a half years of marriage, & I love it!), the more I fall head-over-heels in love with the guy. He's just amazing. :)

A few months after we got married, we decided to try & start a family (September of 2007, to be exact). We didn't give much thought to the "what if's", like what if this doesn't work, what if this ends in heartbreak.. etc. I think we went into this journey with blinders on, because we just didn't see any reason why we wouldn't easily be able to conceive. Everyone around us made it look so easy I guess. So we set out with our big dreams & unprepared hearts, assuming we'd be sharing joyous news with our families in no time at all.

But then October came.. and November.. and December.. and so on. For four & a half years we struggled with this, until finally, almost one year go exactly (tomorrow morning, actually), we got the news that changed our lives: we were going to be parents. I stood there with a positive pregnancy test in my hand, shaking with unbelief & joy. The next month almost seems like a dream, like it didn't actually happen.. we dealt with the woes of morning sickness, with the fun of planning, and then with the amazing news that we were expecting twins. We were, literally, on cloud 9. Everything that we had hoped & prayed for was finally coming to fruition, and it seemed that God was making up for "lost time" by filling our arms with not one, but two precious babies.

And then the news came, at an appointment with a new dr, on February 2nd (one month & one day after that beautiful morning); during a routine ultrasound, when we should have been rejoicing over two little hearts beating away, we were devastated to hear our dr say these words that I can still hear clear as day even now: "I'm so sorry, I know this isn't easy to hear, but there are just no signs of life". No signs of life. I could see my babies on that ultrasound monitor, almost close enough to reach out & touch them, with no signs of life. They had little arms & legs, they were two perfect little babies, but no signs of life. No heartbeats. No movement. I still remember clearly that they looked so peaceful & beautiful, but the entire scene was so horrifying. I collapsed back on the table in tears while my husband held me, and my dr & the nurse sat back silently until I was ready to talk. Everything after that just runs together, but vividly; we discussed our options. I kept looking out the window, then to my dr, then to the nurse who was fighting tears as we talked. We left the room with shattered dreams & an appointment set for a D&C the following week. We called & texted family & friends to inform them of our devastating news. The weeks that followed still seem so surreal; the sleep we exchanged for weeping, the joy that was taken from us & replaced with indescribable sorrow. Family, friends, work, & our church majorly stepped up to take care of us & meet our needs. Both of our employers graciously gave us as much time as we needed with no pressure to come back before we were ready. Members of our church & community group brought us dinner for weeks, even after I went back to work, to take some of the burden of everyday life off our shoulders while we adjusted to this new & unwanted 'normal'. Our families & friends checked in with us, prayed over us, & held us often. We have so many beautiful, amazing people that truly stood in the gap for us, and I don't know that we'll ever be able to thank them all enough for what they did.

In the year that followed, so much has changed. I feel a little more jaded now, but realistically so; I realize now that children were never promised to us. God never told me that He would give me children, and yet He did; the blessings that I prayed so long & hard for, He gave me. And then He welcomed them into His arms long before I was ready to let them go. I've struggled this year with being angry with Him for that, as if I had any right to be angry with Him at all. He is good. He gives & He takes away, and He still loves us unconditionally. My babies weren't mine to keep, but I have this incredible, undeserved grace to look forward to, that I'll hold them in my arms in the very presence of my Savior. When I look at this year in light of this, there's no room left for anger. Yes, He allowed them to be taken away, but He also provided a way for me to be with them again. And in the time between holding them under my heart & holding them in my arms, I'll never have to worry about them feeling sorrow, hurt, or anger. I'll never have to worry about them, period. All they'll ever know is Heaven, and I am beyond thankful that God loves my babies so much. So they're in Heaven, chillin' with Jesus, and I'm a little jealous. Just tbh. :)

But a lot of good came from 2012 as well; I've seen & experienced God in whole new ways. I've learned who I can lean on, and who I can't. I've grown closer & fallen even more in love with my amazing husband, who has been my rock this year; putting his own sorrow on hold to carry me through mine. I don't know how he does it & how he has remained so strong, but I'm so very thankful. I left my job at the bookstore in May, and was terribly not fond of the job I left it for. But I made it through the summer, and even tho I don't miss the job, I miss all my fun co-workers who would have me laughing so hard I would literally cry on a daily basis. They made the whole job worthwhile, and I don't regret it at all. And because of the opportunities I had, we were able to take a vacation (our very first one since our honeymoon) in August. And, one sweet co-worker even opened the door for the job I'm at now, which I really do love. It's forced me out of my safe little comfort zone, which at first I hated, but now I truly appreciate.

So in a nutshell.. I'm not sad to see 2012 go. I'm anxious for it to be behind us, because I'm anxious to start a new chapter. No resolutions, no specific expectations.. just big hope in an even bigger God. :)

Love this guy so much :)

Our beautiful babies & biggest blessings.

Peanut (right) & Jellybean (left).