Why today is significant.

So today is a seemingly insignificant, regular day.

It's a Wednesday. It's been beautiful & productive.

But it's a day that I've been trying not to think about. Well, not really - it's a day that I think about often, but that I was desperately trying to not know the actual date. Today marks one year since we saw & heard not one, but two precious heartbeats. It's the day that we went in expecting to see just the one, but were amazed & knocked off our feet by our second baby. And I was trying so hard to not remember the date.

I have so many dates & times to be sad about. September made five years since we've been trying to have a baby. The first of this year made one year since we found out we were pregnant. February 2nd will make one entire year since the absolute worst day of my life. And February 7th will make one year since I had to say goodbye to my babies. So, with everything being so overwhelming right now, I so very much did not want to remember the actual date that we learned that I was carrying twins.

But one day on my lunch break at work, I was mindlessly flipping through my phone, and saw a 'note' called Important Dates. I opened it & saw everything, and there it was: January 23rd, 9:00am. Hands down, one of the greatest days of my life.

And, of course I knew we found out we were having twins in January. I honestly thought it was earlier in the month, and that this milestone had already passed us by. But no.. it was still coming. I was so mad at myself when I found it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to know when it was. But after I found it, I felt relieved. And now I'm actually beyond glad that I did.

One year ago today marks the one & only time Jason & I saw our children as healthy, growing babies. It's the only time we saw & heard their little hearts beating strong. Our next ultrasound would be a stark contrast. And as much as I didn't want to spend the actual day remembering all the details, I'm so thankful that I've been able to reflect today. I'm also thankful that work kept me busy, because when I'm busy, I'm not crying. And now that I'm home.. surprisingly, I'm okay. I miss them so much that it physically hurts. But there's just something about thinking back to the only time I saw them strong & thriving, and thinking ahead to when I'll hold them in my arms & never let them go in Heaven, that is inexplicably comforting.

And I know at this point I'm babbling & it's turning into a little bit of a rant, but please.. to all the sweet mothers I know, who are beyond blessed to have your children still here with you, don't take one single day for granted. I hear friends complain about their children all the time. I have no doubt that they love them & would die for them, but when I hear all these negative comments about such precious gifts - gifts that so many women would give their right arm for - it is really upsetting. And while I know that children are exhausting, frustrating, and the work never ends.. you are so blessed. When they're driving you crazy, when they won't stop fussing, when they get into everything, when they won't go to sleep at night, when they just want to be held all day.. please, don't forget how blessed you are. Hold them. You just have no idea how on your very worst mommy day, countless women would trade lives with you in a hot second. You are blessed beyond measure; treasure your babies.