Why today is significant.

So today is a seemingly insignificant, regular day.

It's a Wednesday. It's been beautiful & productive.

But it's a day that I've been trying not to think about. Well, not really - it's a day that I think about often, but that I was desperately trying to not know the actual date. Today marks one year since we saw & heard not one, but two precious heartbeats. It's the day that we went in expecting to see just the one, but were amazed & knocked off our feet by our second baby. And I was trying so hard to not remember the date.

I have so many dates & times to be sad about. September made five years since we've been trying to have a baby. The first of this year made one year since we found out we were pregnant. February 2nd will make one entire year since the absolute worst day of my life. And February 7th will make one year since I had to say goodbye to my babies. So, with everything being so overwhelming right now, I so very much did not want to remember the actual date that we learned that I was carrying twins.

But one day on my lunch break at work, I was mindlessly flipping through my phone, and saw a 'note' called Important Dates. I opened it & saw everything, and there it was: January 23rd, 9:00am. Hands down, one of the greatest days of my life.

And, of course I knew we found out we were having twins in January. I honestly thought it was earlier in the month, and that this milestone had already passed us by. But no.. it was still coming. I was so mad at myself when I found it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to know when it was. But after I found it, I felt relieved. And now I'm actually beyond glad that I did.

One year ago today marks the one & only time Jason & I saw our children as healthy, growing babies. It's the only time we saw & heard their little hearts beating strong. Our next ultrasound would be a stark contrast. And as much as I didn't want to spend the actual day remembering all the details, I'm so thankful that I've been able to reflect today. I'm also thankful that work kept me busy, because when I'm busy, I'm not crying. And now that I'm home.. surprisingly, I'm okay. I miss them so much that it physically hurts. But there's just something about thinking back to the only time I saw them strong & thriving, and thinking ahead to when I'll hold them in my arms & never let them go in Heaven, that is inexplicably comforting.

And I know at this point I'm babbling & it's turning into a little bit of a rant, but please.. to all the sweet mothers I know, who are beyond blessed to have your children still here with you, don't take one single day for granted. I hear friends complain about their children all the time. I have no doubt that they love them & would die for them, but when I hear all these negative comments about such precious gifts - gifts that so many women would give their right arm for - it is really upsetting. And while I know that children are exhausting, frustrating, and the work never ends.. you are so blessed. When they're driving you crazy, when they won't stop fussing, when they get into everything, when they won't go to sleep at night, when they just want to be held all day.. please, don't forget how blessed you are. Hold them. You just have no idea how on your very worst mommy day, countless women would trade lives with you in a hot second. You are blessed beyond measure; treasure your babies.

When the seasonal latte cups go away..

So I really think my body is starting to reject this whole healthy eating thing.. I have a headache & I'm getting plenty of audible feedback from my stomach. It's a little more than necessary, tho. I had worked so hard to take all this weight off

(60 lbs, but who's counting), and in 2012, I gained back 15.

Insert shame, disgrace, & chocolate chip cookies here.

I'll start out with an "in my defense" moment. This has been a hard year. Between losing my babies, leaving my job of nearly 4 years, starting a new job that I'm actually blaming most of the weight on (too much cheap/free food, half price Starbucks drinks, and cookies dang near as big as my head.. I miss you Hyatt), then starting a new job when that seasonal position was over.. I've done more than my fair share of stress eating this past year. I hate that my jeans are all tighter & that some of my favorite cute tops just don't fit as cute as they did this time last year. So the past couple days I've gotten right back on the healthy train, and I'm really starting to feel some ill-effects from it. I'm not dieting too hard, but I think going from eating everything I wanted to only eating healthy, with the exception of the nonfat Starbucks latte (in a plain white cup instead of a seasonal red one.. I died a little inside) I had for breakfast this morning, is taking its toll. But I know that the first few days of this are the hardest, and after this it will get easier.. I'm just anxious for the easier part to get here. Oh, and the part where I don't look like a whale in my jeans anymore. Oh, and the part where the scale stops trying to pick a fight with me every morning like it's avenging its mother's honor.

But in other news, I'm glad to be back at work. I loved the four day weekend, but I do love my job, & I was happy to be sitting right back at my cozy little desk today. Well, cozy yet frigid.. I love the fact that it's always cold, but I hate the fact that I tried to dress cute today. Dress pants, flats & all. Tomorrow I'm not even going to bother; I'm basing my entire outfit around my boots. My warm, happy boots. And jeans. And it probably doesn't matter what top, since I never take my hoodie off anymore at work. But that's okay, it's a cute hoodie.

Oh and today marks one year since I announced my pregnancy to family & friends, and that's been hitting me a little hard.. thinking of what life should look like right now, compared to how it actually does. I hate the fact that while I should be home watching my babies grow up into little heathens like their father (love him :)), I'm missing them instead. I know that God has a bigger purpose than I'm seeing right now, and I love that my children are terrorizing the heavenly realms with the double whammy that a), they're Jason's sons, and b), they have his cousin Bonnie up there showing them how it's done, oh and c), my cousin Drew is probably not helping things. Which brings me to point d), my sweet grandmother is probably the ring leader. And my poor grand-dad, who is celebrating his one year Heaven anniversary today, is probably sitting in a corner with his hands over his ears right now trying to ignore them all. That visual always makes me smile, bless his heart. And while I wish that they were terrorizing me & Jason instead, it makes me happy knowing that someday they will. Until then I just miss them so darn much. Today's been a little weepy, and so was yesterday.. and some days the pain is still as raw as it was the day we lost them. But I'm so thankful to remember that God has way bigger plans for my life than I ever had for my own, and for my husband's & children's. It helps my grieving heart to know that when things seem so out of control, he's perfectly IN control.

And strangely, it helps me to talk about them. And for family & friends to talk about them. And for people to ask me questions about them. A lot of people don't because they don't want to upset me, and they're afraid it'll make me cry, but it really helps to know that other people still think of them. I still remember when I worked at the bookstore, one of the most comforting things I heard was from my boss (who is in Heaven now with my babies, which is point 'e' really to the points I made in the previous paragraph about my children raising mischief.. she was so much fun). Out of nowhere one day while we were talking about something unrelated, she sighed, smiled, looked up at the ceiling & goes "Oh, I still think about Peanut & Jellybean" and started coming up with crazy names for us to give our next children when we're pregnant again. She decided on Gumdrop & Pistachio, which I think will definitely stick the next time around. It really helped me to know that she still thought about my babies, and that she's with them right now. One of the sweetest things that blessed my heart so much was after she passed away, her daughter told me that her mom was in Heaven telling my babies all about me & Jason, and what wonderful people we are. I love the connection that we make as believers, and I really do hope that she's had time to tell them one or two things about us.. but I think most of her time has been spent at the feet of our Savior. And talking prophecy with all the saints that went before her, which was one of her very favorite subjects. :)

Okay, that's enough from me for now.. I'm about to go make a huge salad & pretend that it's something entirely different. Pizza, maybe.. or nachos. Yeah, I'm gonna go with nachos. The kind of nachos where I keep my chips & cheese separate until I'm ready to combine them in one glorious swoop & bite.. I hate soggy chips. That might just be referred to as chips & queso tho. I'd look into it if I wasn't dang near positive that I'd be putting my boots on & going to the store in a moment of weakness & passion to get velveeta. And chili. And while I'm at it I may as well get a flat of oreos to eat by myself. Okay I'm stopping now, it's salad time.