New blog, old year.

Okay, so it seems like everyone has a blog now, and I desperately want people to like me, so here goes nothin. :D

And I really have no idea where to start. I've been thinking a lot about how 2012 is coming to a close, and I'm really not sad to see it go. The entire year feels like it's been one big, bad dream. There have been some amazing parts, like surviving that whole mayan calendar thing. Overall, the entire year for me was marked with loss & grief, but also with amazing comfort.

So for those of you who don't know, here it is: Jason & I got married in June of 2007. He's my best friend & I love him more & more every day, and the more I learn about him (yes, still learning after 5 & a half years of marriage, & I love it!), the more I fall head-over-heels in love with the guy. He's just amazing. :)

A few months after we got married, we decided to try & start a family (September of 2007, to be exact). We didn't give much thought to the "what if's", like what if this doesn't work, what if this ends in heartbreak.. etc. I think we went into this journey with blinders on, because we just didn't see any reason why we wouldn't easily be able to conceive. Everyone around us made it look so easy I guess. So we set out with our big dreams & unprepared hearts, assuming we'd be sharing joyous news with our families in no time at all.

But then October came.. and November.. and December.. and so on. For four & a half years we struggled with this, until finally, almost one year go exactly (tomorrow morning, actually), we got the news that changed our lives: we were going to be parents. I stood there with a positive pregnancy test in my hand, shaking with unbelief & joy. The next month almost seems like a dream, like it didn't actually happen.. we dealt with the woes of morning sickness, with the fun of planning, and then with the amazing news that we were expecting twins. We were, literally, on cloud 9. Everything that we had hoped & prayed for was finally coming to fruition, and it seemed that God was making up for "lost time" by filling our arms with not one, but two precious babies.

And then the news came, at an appointment with a new dr, on February 2nd (one month & one day after that beautiful morning); during a routine ultrasound, when we should have been rejoicing over two little hearts beating away, we were devastated to hear our dr say these words that I can still hear clear as day even now: "I'm so sorry, I know this isn't easy to hear, but there are just no signs of life". No signs of life. I could see my babies on that ultrasound monitor, almost close enough to reach out & touch them, with no signs of life. They had little arms & legs, they were two perfect little babies, but no signs of life. No heartbeats. No movement. I still remember clearly that they looked so peaceful & beautiful, but the entire scene was so horrifying. I collapsed back on the table in tears while my husband held me, and my dr & the nurse sat back silently until I was ready to talk. Everything after that just runs together, but vividly; we discussed our options. I kept looking out the window, then to my dr, then to the nurse who was fighting tears as we talked. We left the room with shattered dreams & an appointment set for a D&C the following week. We called & texted family & friends to inform them of our devastating news. The weeks that followed still seem so surreal; the sleep we exchanged for weeping, the joy that was taken from us & replaced with indescribable sorrow. Family, friends, work, & our church majorly stepped up to take care of us & meet our needs. Both of our employers graciously gave us as much time as we needed with no pressure to come back before we were ready. Members of our church & community group brought us dinner for weeks, even after I went back to work, to take some of the burden of everyday life off our shoulders while we adjusted to this new & unwanted 'normal'. Our families & friends checked in with us, prayed over us, & held us often. We have so many beautiful, amazing people that truly stood in the gap for us, and I don't know that we'll ever be able to thank them all enough for what they did.

In the year that followed, so much has changed. I feel a little more jaded now, but realistically so; I realize now that children were never promised to us. God never told me that He would give me children, and yet He did; the blessings that I prayed so long & hard for, He gave me. And then He welcomed them into His arms long before I was ready to let them go. I've struggled this year with being angry with Him for that, as if I had any right to be angry with Him at all. He is good. He gives & He takes away, and He still loves us unconditionally. My babies weren't mine to keep, but I have this incredible, undeserved grace to look forward to, that I'll hold them in my arms in the very presence of my Savior. When I look at this year in light of this, there's no room left for anger. Yes, He allowed them to be taken away, but He also provided a way for me to be with them again. And in the time between holding them under my heart & holding them in my arms, I'll never have to worry about them feeling sorrow, hurt, or anger. I'll never have to worry about them, period. All they'll ever know is Heaven, and I am beyond thankful that God loves my babies so much. So they're in Heaven, chillin' with Jesus, and I'm a little jealous. Just tbh. :)

But a lot of good came from 2012 as well; I've seen & experienced God in whole new ways. I've learned who I can lean on, and who I can't. I've grown closer & fallen even more in love with my amazing husband, who has been my rock this year; putting his own sorrow on hold to carry me through mine. I don't know how he does it & how he has remained so strong, but I'm so very thankful. I left my job at the bookstore in May, and was terribly not fond of the job I left it for. But I made it through the summer, and even tho I don't miss the job, I miss all my fun co-workers who would have me laughing so hard I would literally cry on a daily basis. They made the whole job worthwhile, and I don't regret it at all. And because of the opportunities I had, we were able to take a vacation (our very first one since our honeymoon) in August. And, one sweet co-worker even opened the door for the job I'm at now, which I really do love. It's forced me out of my safe little comfort zone, which at first I hated, but now I truly appreciate.

So in a nutshell.. I'm not sad to see 2012 go. I'm anxious for it to be behind us, because I'm anxious to start a new chapter. No resolutions, no specific expectations.. just big hope in an even bigger God. :)

Love this guy so much :)

Our beautiful babies & biggest blessings.

Peanut (right) & Jellybean (left).